I am Sorry
by Jean Swift
Summary: Narcissa Malfoy reflects on her relationship with Severus Snape, as she visits his Grave.  'Then he said the three words that changed and solidified the direction of our relationship forever, "I am Sorry."'


**A/N: **My First Fan fiction! (Cue: Thank God! She has completed one at last). The paring is very unique in itself. Please read and review.

**Challenge: ****A Million and One Quotes**

**Quotes****: **

a). "I'm sorry."

b). "I'm not bossy! I just have better ideas."

c). "Love like that is poisonous. The worst type of poison, because it feels and tastes so good."

_**I would like to dedicate this story to killerpoison**_**. **_**Thank you for introducing me to this awesome world of fanfictions! A quote for you:**_

"The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read.**"**

- Abraham Lincoln

**I am Sorry**

I bent down and placed a single lily on the gravestone, his favorite flower, his favorite person.

There was already a vase with roses on the head of the grave, placed there by Harry Potter and his red-headed Weasley girlfriend.

Earlier in the day, they had held a small memorial service for him, for Severus Snape, once their most hated potions professor and for a short time an even more hated headmaster. In the past, that is, before the war such an incident would have been shocking if not impossible, but now, so much had changed, so very much. For one thing, it had been revealed that Snape had actually been a double agent, Dumbledore's spy, even I had not know that and I had been close to Severus, very close.

One thing that had not changed though was the fact, that I, Narcissa Malfoy, could not show my true feelings towards Severus, not when he had been alive and not now, that he was dead. Sadly this consistency was not much comfort.

Yes, I loved him and will continue doing so even after we meet again.

I still remember just when I had started liking him. We were in our second year at Hogwarts and had been assigned each other as potions partners. Since I had always prided my potions' skills I had started telling him how to go about doing it, in return, he had called me bossy. He. Had. Called. Me. Bossy.

I remember being so surprised that someone had dared to call Narcissa Black_ bossy _that I had only sputtered in indignation at first and then replied with the lamest reply I had ever uttered in my life, "I am not bossy! I just have better ideas."

He had cocked an eyebrow at that, glancing once at the vile smelling potion that was _not_ supposed to be green, and then, the ghost of his soon-to-become-a-trademark smirk had flitted across his face. For the first time in my life I had blushed.

After that, it hadn't taken long for me to realize that I liked him and he liked Lily Evans.

He was always with her, him a Slytherin and her a Gryffindor. This startling fact never ceased to create waves through the school and a lot of problems for the two of them. Especially for Severus, one such problem had been James Potter.

Through all of these problems I did my best to remain by his side, more often as a sparring partner than a consoling friend, such had been the nature of our relationship, and through all of this he continued to love her. Even after that fateful day in fifth year that changed everything.

I was sitting alone in the Slytherin common room, having just given my transfiguration OWL, when Severus burst in, looking haggard and feverish, his eyes wide and a stricken expression in them.

He stumbled unseeingly through the room and I, frowning got up and followed him to his dormitory. He didn't even notice me till I placed a hand on his shoulder and muttered a soft "Severus?"

He froze in surprise and when he turned his face was a carefully organized blank mask, telling me a lot more than it hid.

Unconsciously I lifted my hand from his shoulder and touched his jaw, an involuntary shiver making its way through my body at the contact. Gasping, I tried to withdraw my hand; only, he caught it and placed it back, slightly leaning into it. My eyes widened in surprise and then closed in pleasure as more delicious shivers ran down my body.

When I opened my eyes again, he was leaning down and then our lips touched. My mind went blank as his lips moved over my own, molding and softening. His hand moved from over my hand, that was still resting on his cheek, though now, it was more for support and to the back of my head as he increased the pressure on my lips, his other hand had pulled me closer by applying pressure on the small of my back, fitting my body to his.

His tongue darted out and licked the seam of my lips, asking for entrance which I was more than happy to provide. When his tongue met mine there were literal fireworks and then he was exploring every nook and cranny of my mouth, massaging his tongue to mine. As suddenly as it had started it ended. I don't even know when his hand travelled to my shoulder to push us apart.

We were both more than a little out of breath. He stared into my eyes, his own no longer blank but for some reason, I was not able to read the emotions swirling in them.

"We shouldn't have done this", his normally so silky voice was a hoarse whisper as he stared into my eyes, intensely.

"Why not?" My hands were already travelling under his robe, opening the buttons of his shirt. He uttered a low moan in his throat as my hand accidently brushed against his exposed skin and caught my hand.

"No Narcissa, you shouldn't… I shouldn't… you don't know…" he muttered in a pained voice, pressing the knuckles of his free hand to his closed eyelids.

"Then tell me", I tugged his hand and lead him to his bed. I pulled him down to sit beside me, combing a hand through his silky soft hair.

His eyes were closed again as if he couldn't face reality.

"What happened? Tell me Sev." He suddenly groaned when I called him by his nickname.

"Lily", my hand stilled in his hair, "Lily calls me that."

He opened his eyes, the pain in them so acute that I had to look away, I withdrew my hand and folded both of them in my lap, my eyes cast downwards.

Severus continued, it was like a dam had been broken he could no longer contain the flow of words, "I… I insulted her, Cissy, I called her a mudblood", he dropped his head into his hands, "She hates me now Cissy, she hates me" and with that his whole body started wracking with sobs.

I stared at him in shock, I had never seen him like this, so… so vulnerable.

I scrambled towards him and a little awkwardly clutched his head to my bosom, cradling it. I started caressing the back of his head making comforting noises. It was all so unreal, I never would have imagined that I would be sitting on Severus Snape's bed and comforting him like this.

I don't know how long I sat there, cradling him, caressing, sometimes rocking back and forth. Gradually his sobs subsided but still we sat in the same position, unwilling to let go.

At last, he said softly, "You should go."

I didn't reply for a long time, then I gently extricated myself and looked at him, his pale face had a tinge of pink to it and his hair was disheveled, sticking to his forehead and cheeks from our combined body heat.

I slowly leaned towards him, stopping a hairsbreadth away from his face. "Yeah I should." Then I closed the remaining gap between us.

That afternoon, I lost my virginity to Severus Snape.

It was everything and nothing like what I had imagined it to be.

Afterwards we lay in the still empty dormitory, my eyes closed, as I truly understood the meaning of spent and sated.

I felt the weight beside me shift on the bed and felt his eyes on my face, I didn't open my eyes, not ready to face him just yet.

Then he said the three words that changed and solidified the direction of our relationship forever, "I am Sorry."

Something in my chest constricted painfully and for a moment I couldn't breathe. The weight beside me shifted again; there was a rustle of cloth and sound of footsteps retreating out of the room. I let go of a long breath, feeling so hollow, so numb

I was in love with him, I was sure of that, I did not regret what had just happened, even though he obviously did, but I could not blame him for this, I just loved him.

Only when the door closed behind him did I open my eyes, the tears rolling out of the corner of my eyes belying the lack of expression on my face.

The next time we came face to face, it was as if nothing had happened. We did what all Slytherins did best-put on a poker face.

I couldn't stay away from him for long though. Whenever I saw him sad or worried over Lily I never hesitated to rush to him and comfort him in the only way I knew how. I didn't regret what we did nor was I ashamed, I was prepared to do anything for him.

A phrase, I didn't remember where I had read drifted through my mind, startling me with its aptness in my situation, 'Love like that is poisonous, the worst type of poison, because it feels and tastes so good.'

He continued to love Lily. He would search for red in my pale hair, and for green in my blue eyes. I knew that he always replaced me with her as he loomed over me shuddering with release; I saw it all in his eyes.

Afterwards, he would always say sorry, though to this day I don't know to whom, to me or to the illusion of the person he imagined me to be in our private moments.

He was guilty and he was ashamed, but none of this stopped him from taking me every time with a renewed hunger, just like my marriage to Lucius Malfoy did not stop me from meeting him in secret.

Now as I stared down at his grave, sweet memories played out before my eyes. Having him even though he did not love me was better than not having him at all.

Standing there it struck me that I had really lost him, forever, though he was never mine to begin with. Just then as I turned to leave, I saw something white peeking out from just behind the headstone. I bent forward to look at it. It was a Narcissus flower.


End file.
